On a scale from 1 to 10, how successful would you say you are? First of all, how do you define 'success'? Do you include all the areas of your life? Some divide life into four quadrants: physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. Does that work for you? I prefer to define success in terms of covering all eight levels in Maslow's hierarchy of needs: physical, safety and security, interpersonal, self-esteem, intellectual, cultural, creative, and spiritual. How're you doing in all these areas? Do you want to revise your position on the 'success' scale now? Here comes the zinger: if you rated yourself below a '7' in overall success, please write down a sentence or two to explain why?
If you tried to explain your dissatisfaction with where you are in life using any of these phrases: 'I can't', 'I have to', 'I need to', 'I must', 'I ought to', 'I should', 'I could', or 'I would', you're lying to yourself. You've created a mental fantasy world to explain away your refusal to take responsibility for your decisions. In this fantasy world of yours, you play the role of eternal victim, powerless before your adversaries who have prevented you from fulfilling your needs.
The only options left to you are, therefore, to become angry and resentful, to pout, and find comfort in blame, self-indulgence ('I deserve this after all I've been put through), rationalization ('You'd do the same thing if you'd had my life') and complaining ('It's just not fair!'). You can choose to remain the self-absorbed infant, the wronged party in your own little personal soap opera, or you can choose to take your thumb out of your mouth and assume responsibility for your condition.
The first move toward improving your 'success' rating is to change your language. Instead of saying 'I/we can't', say 'I/we won't'. Instead of saying, 'I/we have to', say, 'I/we want to'. This is the first step in the long process of getting rid of all your excuses and explanations. So long as you feel the need for self-justification, you can't arrive at self-acceptance, which is the prerequisite for meaningful engagement in your own life. Self-justification signifies that you lack appreciation for your potential, and the potential that you're capable of drawing out of any situation, no matter how desperate it may seem.
One last piece of advice about changing your language in order to change your life: steer clear of the question 'why?' Think about it: when people ask 'why?', what are they looking for? Do the really want to know the cause of something? Or, are they demanding a rationale or justification for something? Obviously, it's the latter; otherwise they'd be asking, 'What happened?' or, 'How did that happen?' If you want to receive somebody's best excuse for something, just ask them 'why?' And, if you want to stay locked in a world of rationalization, just dive into your best explanation when others ask you the 'why?' question. On the other hand, if you want to break out of the victim mold and dramatically improve your 'success' rating, start by not making excuses for yourself.
H. Les Brown, MA, CFCC
Copyright © 2008 H. Les Brown
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