'Feelings aren't facts.' No, that's true, but they are still feelings. And, feelings have an existence all their own. At the same time, those pesky feelings can often get in the way. In one sense, emotions can really upset our balance by encouraging us to misjudge our priorities. They often cause us to confuse what's urgent (therefore generating fear of losing something) with what's important (things that carry with them real consequences). Only our rational minds can weigh the consequences of our actions, but that means somehow controlling our feelings so that they don't cloud our judgment. 'Deceived focus' comes into play when we pay more attention to how we feel than to what we know.
In another sense, our feelings can incarcerate us in a prison of our own making, and this situation causes far more damage to our pursuit of success (and happiness) than anything else. Consider the feelings of anger, resentment, and even hatred that you may be carrying. It doesn't matter at all what the object of these feelings may be: a person, an institution, a system, anything at all. 'Revenge is a dish best served cold,' the saying goes. Yet, we have to ask: who is most hurt by these feelings? Isn't it true that, in most cases, the object of our anger may not even be aware of how we feel? So, whom are we attacking? Whom are we 'hurting'? Perhaps the unintended target of all this emotion is actually ourselves.
For a success-oriented person, forgiveness can't be considered an optional luxury. Moving forward with your life requires that you let go of real or imagined injuries. In fact, when you find yourself feeling 'stuck', the first place you need to look for the answers is toward any resentments or grudges you may be holding. You can think of each of them as a set of bars that confines you (not them) in a prison cell. When you exercise forgiveness, you release your own spirit from its responsibility (again, not them).
Parallel to feelings of anger and resentment, we experience feelings of guilt and shame. The difference between 'guilt' and 'shame' is that 'guilt' is the gnawing feeling that comes to us when we realize that we've done something wrong. 'Shame' is the feeling that we get when we realize that we haven't lived up to our potential. 'Guilt', then, derives from what we do, while 'shame' derives from who we are. Once again, so long as we allow guilt and shame to retain its hold on us, we'll experience ourselves as imprisoned by them. At the same time, nobody can make us feel guilty or shameful. We always have the choice to accept or reject that responsibility. However, once we accept the responsibility, we incur the obligation to do something about it.
Ridding ourselves of guilt and shame uses the same methodology as escaping from anger and resentment: using the tool of forgiveness, only, this time, asking for forgiveness from those we may have wronged. Regardless of whether or not other people 'pardon' us (it's their choice whether or not to let go of their anger and resentment), acknowledging that we are wrong sets us free.
Finally, I need to let you know that, although these are basically spiritual principles, nothing could be more practical in any human situation. The emotions that imprison us — anger, resentment, guilt, and shame — don't limit themselves only to certain areas of our lives. As men and women who strive to live successful lives, the axiom is simple: in all situations, strive to keep your side of the street clean: forgive easily and often, ask for forgiveness as soon as you realize that you've been wrong. That way, you can live a balanced life, free from the burdens of emotional bondage.
H. Les Brown, MA, CFCC
Copyright © 2008 H. Les Brown
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